Eurovision is looming, so I’ve been into my cupboard, and dusted off a couple of old posts from last year, that never saw the light of day – it takes some time to set up that stage, and sweep up all the empty bottles afterwards! Anyway, the fist half of the show goes a bit like this….
It’s Saturday night and I’m watching telly, but after there’s just shite on. I suddenly remember someone telling me it’s Eurovision tonight! I grab the remote and click through the channels. There it is! I’ve missed the opening ceremony, but the meaty bit is still to come.
I settle into the sofa for an evening of what looks like Christmas decorations engaged in mild porn, fake smiles and frequent warnings of flashing lights. The best thing about it is Graham Norton’s sniping commentary. Australia are, strangely, also in it. But then, so is Israel.
Scoring seems to have been streamlined since I last saw it, and now each country only announces their top three scores. The scoring pattern still does not seem to have changed, in that you are required to score highly, those countries that you border, or who speak your language, or who you don’t wish to bomb you. Unsurprisingly, Russia hold the lead throughout the Eastern Bloc voting, but then neutral Sweden surge ahead and are announced winners even before the end of the scoring!
I suddenly have a moment. I have a glass of water and it goes away. Then I have an epiphany, like a voice speaks to me. Maybe God or someone. The conversation goes like this:
God: You like cider, right?
God: You like Eurovision, right?
Me: Well….yeah, it’s ok.
God: You have several ciders from around the world, in your kitchen, right?
Me: Errrrm…yeah, I’ve got some
God: Well? You know what I’m thinking, right?
Me: You want to wipe out the human race and see what happens if cockroaches rule the earth, cos you heard they survive everything?
God: Ohh, never mind
Suddenly, I have a great idea. How about a Eurovision Cider Contest!
My ciderkick tonight will be making up the other half of the judging panel. First up is Switzerland. Wearing traditional dress, in the colours of the Swiss flag, Suure Moscht is performed by Ramseier. The can makes it look a bit dangerous, and the ‘Cidre Trouble’ at the bottom, does not help the image. However, all these words are strange, Swiss words. My Bavarian ciderkick tells me Suure Moscht, means something like ‘sour mash’. It’s not looking good, though, at only 4%, it seems its bark is worse that its bite.
The performance from this naive, bare-footed mountain girl, is fruity and fresh and sweet. This cider is a little cloudy, in true continental form, the ingredients have been listed, showing apple concentrate, so its dirndle is bolstered with apples. Well, who could resist that!
Heidi is warmly applauded, and Sweden prepare to take the stage – Rekorderlig Dry Äpple Cider
The Swedish entry was discovered in Yogi wine, dressed up like a hipster. Breaking away from the usual, fruity, colourful Rekorderlig style, this minimal, ‘straight up premium dry cider’, seems to be looking to break into the London cider scene.
As the skinny-jeaned Swede takes the stage, it’s looking promising, but on opening there’s a smell of fart. Both judges agree, someone has dropped one in the bottle. The colour of this 5% cider is pale, like a pear drop. As the fart recedes, it is replaced by spray paint. The next verse is sweet and bubbly with a classy prosecco aftertaste, and finishing with straw and wood. Well, it’s kind of captivating, like a car crash. Maybe there’s too many flavours going on in this one. Farting in an alcopop doesn’t make it a dry cider.
The Eurovision Cider Contest 2015 goes to a break, (this isn’t the BBC). Join us, tomorrow, for the next instalment.